Experiment 04 - "Almost Suicidal"

 This was something that came to me  when I spent 4 days in utter solitude in the hostel. Only another girl remained downstairs over the Diwali holidays of my first year in a block of 60 rooms.

Spoiler Alert:

The idea was to write about the dilemma of someone contemplating suicide & how the person starts sure that life is no longer worth living & slowly starts doubting if death is truly better. The poem was supposed  to end with the protagonist embracing life and the joy of living  after being close to the fine divide. 

But, I never could feel hopeful enough to complete  the happy part. Slightly depressing, read on if you will..

The mystic beauty of death invites

Slowly and gracefully luring

The sadness and gloom stay on

Pushing.. Nudging me over to the other side..

What is death? I wonder.

Just another form of life?

What makes me say no to taking my life?

Can’t I say yes and get it over with?

The barren desert lies around me

And then..   I see her..

Death glides near, opens her arms, beckons to me

Life and Death, seem so different and

Yet, are the same

Then why shouldn’t  I say yes and get it over with?

The desert is still barren,

The heavy air presses me, oppresses me

Is Nature working with Death? I wonder..

Life doesn’t flash by, doesn’t plead her case..

Why? I again wonder? Am I that insignificant??

The rhythmic sway of trees is absent

In this barren desert that is the landscape of my mind.

Where nothing is left and yet everything hurts..

Should I just say yes to Death and get it over with?

The darkness of the night isn’t just black

It’s the ghostly shade of death..

The path I took has disappeared,

Both past and present...

Who am I? Where am I?

What am I doing in this void?

Can’t I just surrender and get it over with?

Time has lost meaning-

When did I last smile? Who made me smile last?

Even tears don’t come.

Questions are meaningless and the loneliness endless..

I desperately want to get this over with....

The loneliness is getting to me...

Again .. Another ally of death ?

Is life so friendless?

 How did Death know where to find me?

Am I going to her or is she coming for me?

Where is life? - the life all love to have?

Why am I not clinging to her safety

 When Death comes to pull me away?

Emotions? Feelings? None of them keep company...

I wonder when they deserted me..

Questions, just questions as Death and I come nearer....

Where is God? Isn’t He supposed to do something?

Or is this my destiny?

The confusion shatters the already echoing silence of my mind

And I want to say yes and get it over with....

Who was I living for? What for?

 What I am or was doing is not living....

Between life and death, I float...

I can’t see life.. and death is calling to me..

Then why shouldn’t I choose death over life and get it over with?

Dense fog rolls in as I try to walk..

Where to? Life or Death...

I walk, not hoping, not thinking,

Just walk, clueless, aimless...

Is death still there to embrace me?

I don’t mind getting it over with..

I stagger along the unknown dimension

I can’t even see Death now...

Can life and both leave me?

They are similar after all...

Hollowness and emptiness still remain..

Guess I am not so lonely after all...